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Throughout my life I have experienced the same feelings in relationships. As though I am a facilitator, but not a part of. Peering into a glass box. The one that provides advice and resources but is still on the outside. Questions are one way or not prying enough to make me feel seen. Met with attaboys and cheerleading, which works for some, but not for me.

Talking to my therapist she wondered if when I bring whatever is happening to another’s attention if I already have it all figured out, so no input is really needed. I am not sure, could be. Could be that what I want is uncomfortable for the people I surround myself with. I have found that we give what we want. Who knows, maybe my friends want attaboys and I am giving questions and introspection.

These observations have made me wonder what it means to really know someone. I can only imagine that all of us feel unknown to some degree..

I saw this reel that says that different versions of us exist in different people’s minds. Our boss sees us differently than our spouse or our mom. We see ourselves differently than all of them. So, what does it mean to really know someone. Is it even possible?

Can you only know the version of them that is a reflection of yourself? Are we currently living in the multiverse and every version of ourselves exists in other people’s minds? Does feeling unknown just mean I do not know myself? How many of us are really spending the time within ourselves (without distraction) to know what is at the core of our being and why we respond the way we do?

By learning who I am and spending time with myself, will my relationships change so that I feel seen the more that I see myself. Mirror work tells us that we are all reflections of each other. What I see in you is my own consciousness. A reflection of my own inner world.

The concept is new to me, and I feel like there is a lot of reading material out there to help intellectualize the theory. I will not provide more explanation here, but when you experience it and see it in your interactions, you know. You see yourself making assumptions, being offended, or hurt. You realize it is not the person, but your reaction to it based on your wounding or insecurities. Of course, this does not apply to physical harm or being violated in your physical body. Use your intuition to understand when to observe the mirror that is reflecting back to you.

This understanding has provided me with compassion for others and for myself. It has also given me a freedom to know when I approach my encounter with love, I am not responsible for the other person’s reaction. I do not need to change the delivery or water myself down because of worrying how they will take it. We are all responsible for our own emotional reactions. A reaction is an opportunity to understand why and to show self-compassion and to grow.

In the moment, we may operate from the wounding and the reflection is the transformation. Instead of ruminating over our “undesirable” behavior or disappointment in what we “should” have done: ask questions, listen, and try to understand. Show yourself compassion. Only apologize if you need to. Provide context in the apology to help verbalize to yourself and to others why you believe you reacted a certain way. There is power in vulnerability.

I am vulnerable in my relationships. If you ask, I will answer to the depth that I understand it. Maybe I do not feel a part of in my relationships because I am already transparent. Maybe in the relationships that feel one sided, the other person also feels unseen. Maybe most of us feel we are on the outside. Maybe we can only know each other to the extent that we know ourselves. Maybe it is easier to blame someone else than to look at ourselves because we are in fear of what we will see.

In A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas there is a mirror called the Ouroboros, the Mirror of Beginnings and Endings. The mirror shows you who you really are.

“It’s a rare person to face who they truly are and not run from it – not be broken by it. That’s what the Ouroboros shows all who look into it: who they are, every despicable and unholy inch. Some gaze upon it and don’t even realize that the horror they’re seeing is them – even as the terror of it drives them mad. Some swagger in and are shattered by the small, sorry creature they find instead. But you…”

Our encounters and relationships are our Ouroboros. The mirror to who we really are. What we see is a reflection of our inner world. The choice is ours alone. To choose to examine ourselves and understand the why with self-compassion and without judgment. To know ourselves on a deeper level, in theory, will allow us to know others on a deeper level. To be seen by others is to be seen by oneself.

Continue pondering..