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Dragons show up in your life to test what you have “learned”. They are the facing of your fears and cannot be calmed with affirmations, crystals, and good vibes. They open your wounds and make you look at them. Dragons test your integration and shine a flame on your shadows to see if you are walking your talk.

My dragon lately has been the conception journey. I have been saying that I am learning to trust and respect the soul’s autonomy and choice to come in at their own time. I trust my body and respect her and how she is capable. That if it does not happen then it was not meant for my soul’s purpose. I have been practicing self-compassion in the good times. Creating the rituals and habits, thinking in the hard times the habits will see me through.

The dragon showed up in the past few weeks with a vengeance. Fire breathing and brutal, looking me straight in the face with yellow eyes filled with fury. The practiced rituals and habits did not help because I could not bring myself to do them. The old thoughts and patterns showed up and resumed their position. Respect for self and soul autonomy vanished.

The logical mind kicked in and I knew what I “should” think and how I have been working on feeling. It did not matter. All was out the window because the old patterns provided comfort, familiarity, and safety. I could reason with self-blame. I could take responsibility and maybe control my response. I could put a little space between the painful emotions.

I have successfully gone through life knowing self-blame and hatred could and would get me through. Putting up the wall and disassociating was safe and painless in the moment. The goal was to make the emotional pain go away and only allow the pain that I felt I deserved. The pain that I could control. The pain of not being enough and being undeserving. The self-made reality of not being worthy.

The dragon’s appearance is putting me through the fire right now. My physical body is expressing and drawing my attention to how I care for it. Putting my talk to the test. I have not done well on this test and was all too eager to go back to “the ways of old”.

There is a difference between the talk and the walk. The talk is important because the body and soul is always listening. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. They are connected. The walk however is the representation of the soul’s integration. The integration of the new and the rewiring of the patterns that were so familiar. This is where my dragon is slaying me at the moment.

I want to retreat. Go back to old patterns. I knew what to expect then. I know my next step in the process of being back to being functional. The familiar is easier in the moment. I have admittedly been sitting in the familiar for the past couple of weeks. The familiar, although comfortable does not feel like it once did. Now it feels like an overwhelming despair.

My body is telling me I cannot remain here. I reverted, but it is time to take up my sword and slay the dragon. To come out of the darkness and embody what I have been practicing. I will try and I am sure that I will face this dragon again. There are deeper reasons for the appearance that I have not uncovered yet. There is more to learn. The growth and transformation do not come from the peaks, but from the valleys. Dragon slaying does not leave you without a trophy. The gift is in the process of your transformation even when you cannot seem to see it.

Where is the dragon showing up in your life? We all have them and sometimes their appearance catches us off guard when we are not ready to face them. In the process, the dragon may seem unsurmountable. The acknowledgement and the analysis of why is a step forward, even if you do not have the energy to slay it.

Continue pondering..