I sit in my favorite space in the garden. On the retaining wall in front of the espalier lemon tree. The sun peaks over the house and shines directly on my face. A greeting, a kiss at the start of the day.

I have been thinking of late of where my life has been and where it is going. Lifelong dreams and the current reality. The want to be a writer. Of what, I still do not know. My imagination seems puny from a lifetime of training in the empirical human sciences. However, the desire remains. Reminding me that she is still within, begging to be heard.

Hypotheses do start with an imagining of sorts. The questions of how and what if. The more questions asked, the narrowing of the lens, until only one variable remains. That, however, is not real life.

Life is a meshing of cause and effect and the hell of it. Life cannot be controlled or uninfluenced by outside variables. Life is not an experience that can be lived without encounter and influence.

Life can be chaos, uncertainty, fear, and pain. Life can also be peace, love, opportunity, and connection. We hold the power to see the magic in the everyday.

The evidence says that bad things happen to those who do not deserve it. We do not know why. We wish it was different. We wish unjustified pain was eradicated. We wish we could logically think through every outcome. We cannot. Removing all the variables will not lead you to the cause in real life.

Life is the intermingling of thousands of choices by an unknown number of beings every day. There is no control.

There is choice. Your choices and your perception of your choices; and your response and perception from other’s choices. In the simplest terms, life is made of choices. Whether you make them yourself, someone makes them for you, or you experience situations when you feel you had no choice.

The brain tries to simplify and categorize to decrease the energy output, to preserve the self’s chance of survival. What the brain ignores, the body stores.

The body remembers the times you felt you had no choice. The body remembers the chaos, uncertainty, fear, and pain. The body reacts before your brain knows why. The body is the physical expression of your intuition. The response and the protector of self.

I have lived a life of logical and illogical choices. Been in situations where I felt I had no choice. I have let others make choices for me. I have allowed my brain to talk me in and out of decisions based on safety and unrealistic fear. I have ignored my body’s signals when telling me that I am under attack. I still confuse the brain and the body’s cues. I am still and will always be in a state of learning.

This life’s a dance between the knowing and the learning. Between choice and feeling there is no choice. Every morning, as the sun says the first hello, we have the choice. To reflect on where we have been and where we are going.

The acknowledgement that our choices not only affect us, but others. Some of our choices will give others no choice. We are all connected so be cognizant of the balance between your needs and the consideration for others. What will you choose?

Continue pondering..