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I am in the space in between. Between the before and the after. Aware, but still unaware. Grappling with knowing in my knower and questioning my sanity. My body and soul are forcing me to rest. Fatigue beyond what I have experienced before. Physical manifestations of neck spasms, back pain, and migraines. A forced slowdown, which is making me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Worried I will lose momentum, wondering if anything I felt was real, and uncomfortable in stillness. Feeling the root of wondering if I am worthy and contemplating what I can do to earn it. Understanding that neither of those statements are true. Trying to understand what it means to untangle the grasp those thoughts have in my psyche.

I have returned to this thread a few weeks later and can now see the overabundance of masculine energy. The aching of stepping up the feminine energy. To flow, feel, intuit, and go within. The craving to be in balance after all this time of leading with the masculine.

Since the time of the original expression, I have been working towards the balance. Being productive and then resting, reflecting, and creating. I am learning to recognize the feeling of discomfort when one of the energies is given too much space.

When the to do list is too long and I complete it all anyways. The discomfort sets in and shows in irritability, anxiety, unsatisfaction, and annoyance.

When the rumination is all day, and I am sitting in my feels too long the feminine is out of balance. The feelings are too much to bear, the thoughts are not rooted in 3D reality, and there is no motivation to move.

One energy is not better than the other. They are equals, perfectly balanced when paired. Both present in all of us. The masculine is action, strength, clarity, and direction. The feminine is compassion, intuition, creativity, and flow.

Weave pockets of both throughout your day to design balance, if that is what you crave. On this morning, I have started the laundry and made coffee, but while sipping my brew I am choosing to be creative. After cleaning the kitchen, I take the time to make an arrangement of flowers. After nurturing my family by preparing lunches for the week, I go for a run. The balance of both allows me to enjoy the benefits of productivity and the joy of flow and creativity.

In Red Hot & Holy, Sera Beak discusses the idea of a shadow king and the false feminine. The shadow king was previously coined by psychologist Sidra Stone and described as the unconscious internal voice of the ancient patriarchy. The false feminine is the counterpart, the internal voice of the ancient matriarchy.

The shadow king is the underbelly of an overactive masculine energy. The priorities are productivity, logic, protection, and control. The observation in human behavior is the polarization between bad and good behavior determined by societal standards. Achieving goals that are constructed as being directly correlated with happiness. Marriage, children, career, owning a home, and having a dog. The shadow king can show up differently in all of us, however the theme is generally where you feel shame and like you are not achieving enough.

My shadow king is the leading protagonist when I am paying more attention to and giving more power to the men in the room. When I am trying to be one of the guys, drinking just as much as they are and desperately trying to fit in. Denying my emotions, feelings, and needs. Prioritizing logic, knowledge, and correlating value of self and others based on achievements. Blaming myself for any negative reactions from other people because obviously it must be because I was a bad girl.

The false feminine seems to be harder to define because she can easily transform and mold into what the situation needs her to be. According to Beak, the false feminine is using others and being used by others to obtain power. Using feminine traits to gain passive control of other people or the environment.

As I reflect on my false feminine, I felt more inner shame on the manipulative nature of my out of balance feminine energy. She shows up in my behavior as being the life of the party for attention and acceptance. Judging others based on their priorities for superficial endeavors, and yes, I can see the irony. Playing the martyr has also been a default grievance. The martyr is seen when nurturing, doing acts of service, being the savior not for genuine desire, but for acknowledgement and pity.

Observing the ways the shadow king and the false feminine make their appearances have made me more cognizant to my outward interactions with the world. Sera Beak, highlights that the beauty is in the understanding of the motivations for each. The shadow king wants to protect you and the false feminine wants to ensure your livelihood through security and stability.

Become friends with your inner masculine and feminine energy and thank them for their contributions. Recognize your own patterns when the energies are out of balance and if you so desire, weave in the equilibrium. Understand your shadow king and false feminine. They show up differently in everyone and we do not need to feel shame around how they do. Acknowledge who they are and why. Where you feel shame practice forgiveness and self-compassion.

My hope for you is that you do take the time to notice the extremes of your own masculine and feminine energies. Recognizing when the shadow king or the false feminine is the protagonist in your story. Understanding not from a lens of shame, but of understanding and gratitude for their service. Ensuring them that you are safe and the protection of the extremes are not needed.

Continue pondering..